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Your Personal Bailout - a G.I.F.T.
(DRAFT - not for release until late December 2012 pending Congressional approval!)
Dear (Insert name of taxpayer from database here):
As you know, we are living in trying and uncertain times. Our economy has been in the worst slump since the 1930s. To counter the slump, the U.S. Treasury Department and the Federal Reserve are pumping unprecedented amounts of money, both borrowed and printed, into the economy. The total to date for bailouts, outright purchases, "loans," "investments," and guarantees exceeds $16 Trillion, with much more on the way.
We at the Department of Equal Financial Opportunity understand that not everyone agrees with these monetary stimulus efforts that have been directed primarily toward the banking sector and other financial service corporations. We believe that the U.S. Congress is concerned that the bailout money is not reaching the individual taxpayers of the United States.
To help address these concerns, the Department of Equal Financial Opportunity has proposed legislation that we hope Congress will pass - the Government Income For Taxpayers Act, which we refer to as the GIFT Act. The Department of Equal Financial Opportunity is firmly committed to a national policy of creating wealth and prosperity through increased debt and deficit spending.
According to your past tax returns, you could be eligible for a PERSONAL BAILOUT under the Congressional GIFT Act. If Congress and the President approve the GIFT Act, you can anticipate your personal bailout check on or about January 21, 2013, in the amount of, we HOPE, about $16,000. We trust that you will spend it quickly to help CHANGE this recession into a new era of never-ending debt and prosperity.
Humanoid Bureaucratos, PhD
3rd Under Assistant to the Secretary of the
Department of Equal Financial Opportunity